I am a creative person - or so I've been told. I feel like I've really been letting this talent go to waste. Day in and day out, I work a 8-5 job, doing graphic design. When I get home I'm draining, uninspired and just plain lazy.

I haven't touched my camera in months, I haven't designed anything new, I haven't crafted anything in particular, and I haven't touched my little muses in months... make that over a year (my blythe dolls). All around me is beauty, life and things are happening. I just don't feel like doing jack about it. I wish I could get out of this rut. Maybe it's still a form of coping with my mom passing, my ex-boyfriend passing and my best friend's father, who was like a second dad to me, passing last year... all the anniversaries are coming up, or have passed already... it just feels like I'm at a stand still.

Mike and I have been looking at houses. Purchase and rentals. Nothing seems to be in our price range for renting anymore. We truly lucked out with the cottage we live in but he feels we're out growing it quickly. I sort of do, but at the same time, I'm in no rush to move. I have been renting a storage unit, and I cuss everytime I have to pay the rent there, I could be doing much more constructive things with $80/month, than tossing it into a rental unit to store my mother's belongings. We've discussed finding a home that's approx $80-100 more a month to rent, but at that point we may as well buy something, earn some equity off of it. I don't feel renting is throwing money away, maybe if we were older, but we aren't even married yet... But with the market the way it is, I sort of want to take advantage of this. Again rentals are more expensive now for what we need (at least 2-3 bedrooms, 1 bath (for a rental, 2 for a purchase), MUST have formal dining room or eating area for my mother's furniture I inherited, fenced in backyard... our list is sort of long but simple and we don't want to settle for any less. I think the biggest issue is we've found a house that we both seem to love.... the ONLY minus to the house... is it has old appliances, but they come with the house, it's move in ready AND we can purchase those as we can afford them... otherwise the house is the bomb! I guess the fear of owning is what's holding me back. Eventually we'd replace the chain link fence with a privacy fence but for now, it's perfect. (It could use a deck on the back but doesn't HAVE to have one)... yada yada yada... my heart says BUY IT! My brain says... are you sure... blech! I hate this feeling.

All in all I'm truly happy with where I am in my life... sure I'm ready for marriage, sure I'm ready for a home, sure I'm ready for the next step, but I'm not pushing or rushing anything... I'm just in a very blah mood and I need to find something FAST to help me shake it!!!

Please tell me others feel this way!!!

I'm feeling better - the venting must have helped.I think in general my 32nd birthday was something odd for me... strange since I've been living in my 30's for 2 years now... then again I've been saying I'm 29 for ... well 3 years now... I actually have to stop and think sometimes when people ask my age. DUH!

I'm trying to motivate myself, for the gym, for life, for anything. I had to cancel my membership a few months ago when I went to NC to get all my mom's furniture. I pay $70.00/month in storage fees, which blows but our house is too small for a formal dining set and table with 6 chairs, as well as the other items I have in there - I literally have a full sized, carousel horse - no lie. Add to that a few other great items of furniture that just WON'T fit in this cozy 2 bedroom house, the storage is needed, because I can't imagine giving those items up. One day I will own a fancy house w/ a formal dining room and that stuff will come in handy. The day I become Martha Stewart. It just sucks to toss out $70.00, ok so it's not tossed out but you know what I mean. Mike and I have wrestled with purchasing a home - but I got back and forth daily on do I want to live here, or would I be interested in moving back to Maryland. It's SO much cheaper to live here, but the pay is better up there so then again - it's still probably on par. I love the thought that we found a house, that's a "dream" home for us... that we want to change nothing about (safe for buying new appliances in the kitchen) for under $100,000!!! It's shocking... three bedrooms, 2 baths (1/2 bath in the basement that is half finished and half rough. This house is dare I say... THE SHIT! However with the looming economy and what not... I'm a bit too fearful to get roped into a mortgage. Seriously if something bad happened and either of us lost our jobs or we were strapped for cash, there is nothing stopping us from getting a smaller house or apartment - and putting whatever we can't fit in the house, into our storage area. So in some ways that damn thing is a blessing!

Still... I'd rather be able to drop $30-40 toward the gym... but my lazy ass never used it the way I should have... I blew so much money and had NOTHING to show for it... I'm happy that since I got so depressed about going home to see friends and having to introduce my 2nd chin, that I took some time to start paying attention again to all that's gone in my mouth in the way of food and drink... I really only drink on the weekends. I had 2 glasses of wine tonight and I'm enjoying the whole "wino" thing I've been up to. Much smoother than beer but I won't lie, I love me some beer. I've been trying to keep tabs on my food, which is great but eating better will probably only produce about a 10 lbs. weight loss, TOPS! In order to make anything else happen, I'm going to have to get off my ass... fo' reals.

First step... clear crap off my elliptical in the storage area... Second step... walk June around the block - I hate how dark it is at night but if I can get myself a light color jacket.. I'm gold. I need this... if anything to clear my mind... if I can stick with that stuff then I'll treat myself to the gym membership... I need to prove it I'm SUCH a tight wad right now!

All in all it truly was a great birthday for me - surrounded by my friends etc... I have so much to be thankful for that I've let my weight and other things get me down... my friends love me for me, Mike does as well - it's time I started to notice that as well.

I'm 5lbs. lighter... I hope I can make this happen for real this time!!! Please who ever reads this... hold me to it.

(I've also decided I might just try to write in this everyday... just to get creative and get these thoughts out - have you ever went back to read journals and thought WTF? What was I thinking, or wow I don't remember feeling that way) - I do that a lot and I should really keep tabs on that.

I couldn't even think of where to begin... my thoughts have been so scattered, broken and none of them make sense. I'm a walking ball of emotions, and it's not PMS related. I've passed that. Going home last weekend was bitter sweet. I got to see friends, my father and people I consider to be family... and while I smiled there was a bit of me that was extremely sad. This is the first Thanksgiving without my mom, I endured that, my birthday without her, and now I'm facing Christmas. Add to all this my lack of self-esteem, it's really just starting to snowball into something I feel like I can control.

Well basically other than my weight there really isn't anything else I can honestly CONTROL - and I'm by no means a control freak... I guess I just like having a plan, and now with the passing of my mother, my ex-boyfriend, my best friend's father, and just the all around feeling of being helpless, my small little world is all crumbling.

I really just thought I needed to write all this down - maybe in a week reading it again I'll feel better, or maybe I'll feel worse.

Don't get me wrong - I have TONS of things to be thankful for... my health (although the extra weight gain might make that an issue), my wonderful boyfriend, extremely great friends and a good job that I don't worry (just yet) that I may be in danger of losing due to the economy - I'm surrounded by love, but deep down part of me still feels alone. I take on too much myself, and often don't know how to ask for help. I'm trying to work on this.

I've just felt less than stellar lately and I'm over it. I can't put on a fake smile, that isn't me, I'm withdrawn and quiet, often feeling out of place in areas where I used to feel so comfortable, and it sucks.

While at home this time around... I can see where 3 years living away has left me... still in everyones hearts and souls but at the same time completely out of touch... my best friends kids are ages older... in only three years time... I looked back at old photographs the other night and lost it... I've missed SO much time... I'm not ready to move home - something is keeping me where I am, who knows if I will ever go back. Mike is willing to move anytime I say the word, so I have no worries of where that will lead us if I say "I want to go home..."

I feel like I"m in limbo - you can't just "GET OVER IT" when it comes to the death of someone, especially your parent... I can't just get over it with the death of my ex either. I guess part of it is stemming from guilt I hold in both relationships before they passed. That is something I will have to get over.

As you can tell from this I'm completely scattered - my paragraphs don't even relate... yikes.

I know I'm slightly depressed - who wouldn't be right? But I don't feel the need to go somewhere to discuss these feelings, or take medication. I don't want that. I'm feeling numb at times and the purging of tears and sometimes anger make me feel alive again.

I think since my mom's passing I've tried so hard to fill my days with stuff... keeping busy seemed to help me get through this... however now I've slowed down and with the holidays creeping up, it's all evident I can't run anymore.

My father was recently diagnosed with Prostate Cancer - I just can't escape this. It's tough knowing the rocks you though would always be there... might not.

My father is gray, it's strange to see him in the older man light. It makes me face my age more and more. 32 years has come and gone so quickly. I'm the same age my parents were when they had me. They were married at age 19. I'm the last of my friends to wed, literally I'm not just being cute. Safe for Lauren and other people I know but not as well as Lauren or my other best friends... She's well on her way. Mike assures me we are too - I've been trying NOT to mention it or become that nagging woman/girlfriend. I don't want to be that girl. I've been engaged before - but it was foolish and young love, and basically I never felt the engagement was "real"... this time around, for the first time in my life, I would marry the guy, so I guess that amplifies the waiting... don't be in a rush people say... but I'm not getting any younger. My friends and I like to joke, that we will all wear silver to match our hair and walkers when I get married... then I sit and get upset thinking... yikes what if it's true. haha.

I Just had to get this all out... it's hard to discuss weddings and what not, I don't want Mike to be worried that I'm insecure about us - ya know? How do you approach that topic w/out sounding like the harping girlfriend or the girl that has doubt in her boyfriend type deal... I know when the time is right.. things will start rolling. We talk, and smile and discuss the big day, and our futures, the ground work is there, why rush a good thing right?

Again - this is scattered but i had to get it all out... I will probably mark this private after a while... but I just had to voice it all.

Everyone is engaged, moving on and growing up, I guess I need to do the same.. I can't be Peter Pan forever... I'm happy for all my friends, completely... and I hope that since I've had to wait so long I won't ever be someone facing divorce, I don't wish that ordeal on anyone.

Thank you for listening if you made it this far... I truly appreciate that.

So, it's been forever since I've been able to finish a book. Life is too busy and when you live with someone else you seldom get alone time... well... we do our own thing in the house but my mind barely lets me finish a thought let alone a book lately.  I've been reading Wicked for what seems like over a year - I just dove back into the book and I'm loving it all over again - it's just gotten to the juiciest part (NO SPOILERS PLEASE). I hope to be able to go see the live show of this book some day... however I don't think it will make me as excited as the book - movies and shows etc seldom do. (ie I love Forrest Gump the movie... the book is NOTHING like the movie).

My reason for writing this blog is wanting to find some new books to read (or old) I am open to all suggestions. So suggest away - it's going to be winter soon, lots of cozy up on the couch days I'm sure! :)

Originally posted on kittycuriosity.vox.com

Compliments of Gill, thanks lady! ox

What are your favorite 2 colors?
Crimson Red, and lately Kelly Green... yay Christmas.



What where you thinking when you woke up this morning?
nooooo - 10 more minutes... must find snooze button.



What are you wearing?
work tshirt, navy shorts and messy hair.



Your eye color?
pale blue.



Who is your Best Friend?
Mike.



Who text you last?
no clue.



Who called you last?
Tammy.



What is on your mind?
my pending headache... thanks draft beer.


Are you a happy/angry person normally?
happy.



What are your plans this weekend?
go see the dark knight.


What are you planning on doing tomorrow?
work.



When is your birthday?
Dec 1



Is anything/anyone making you mad?
not currently.



Do you like someone?
yes.



Out of all your ex's,would you date any again?
Maybe but I know better.



Whats your favorite food to eat?
lately, stuff that makes me feel healthy.



Do you have confidence in yourself to become what you want in the future?
yes.



What did you do lastnight?
lazy... lazy... and more lazy.




Favorite sport?
for me... snowboarding.. to watch... snowboarding and football.



Favorite sports team?
Steelers & The Orioles.



Do you drink a lot?
meh... sometimes.


What do you do in your spare time?
::shrug:: stuffffff



Do you have any pets? If so what type?
Yes.. Angus the Rock Kitty and June the Wonder Mutt.



Have you ever dated any of your top 4 friends?
on myspace... yes... mike and i have been together forever and thennnnnn
Kelly and I went on a date to Hooters ;)



Taken or Single?
taken.



Who left you your last comment?
can't remember.



Would you get mad if you got a phone call at 4am,when it was your day to sleep in?
nah.. .usually it's my friends... drunk and funny... besides if I don't have to work and I get to sleep in there's still plenty of time after that.



Name one person you think is beautiful:
My mom. I'm keeping Gill's answer.. my mother was beautiful.



Name one thing you think is fun:
happy hours.



Name one place you want to visit:
Italy.



Name one of your personal morals:
I don't lick toilet seats.



Name one of your favorite curse words:
fuck. and cunt.



Name one site you visit regularly:
myspace.com



Name one song you think describes you:
hmmm... that's a toughie... Long Way to the Top AC/DC.


Name one of your fears:
aliens.



Name one thing you love:
Mike.



Name one thing you hate:
Paris Hilton.


Name one language you want to learn:
Spanish, better. And maybe Italian.


Name one occupation you'd like to have:
Singer aka Rock Star.



Name one thing you want to accomplish before you die:
traveling around the world.



Name one thing you are allergic to:
ugh.. pollen.



Name one odd fact about you:
I have a huge head... I hate it.



Name one funny thing you saw today:
LOL Cats.


Name one thing that shocked you in the past two days:
um... I don't think I've been shocked.



Name one time you stayed up all night:
hmm... no clue.



Name one day you hate:
I'm going to always hate April 3.



Name one person you love:
Mike.




Name one film you had to see twice:
too many to mention.. Rockstar.



Name one thing you do every day without fail:
Blink.



Name one crazy place you fell asleep:
bathroom floor in a hotel naked... deck at beach house in the snow... yay black outs.

I always do these on myspace... I figured I'd bore you all instead and make some use of my ... livejournal page...


Scared to fall in love?
No - I used to be, but I've learned if you invest your feelings in the RIGHT person... you can fall without fear.

What's the connection between you and the last person that called you?
hm... he's a coach at the University of North Alabama (football) - he's a client of ours.

Do you ever turn your cell phone off?
no, it turns itself off ... often.

What happened at 3:00 pm yesterday?
ummm... I think we were hanging at the house and relaxing.. I was probably watching Ace of Cakes or something.

What is your favorite thing to eat with peanut butter?
bread, jelly and or crackers.

What do you want in your life right now?
more time! (I might like a smaller waist size, I'm working on that).

Do you carry an umbrella when it rains, or just put up your hood?
I try to remember to bring an umbrella on those days - usually it's in the back of my Jeep.

What do you smell like?
Today... Freshwater Cucumber lotion and some type of Hollister perfume (it's the ONLY thing in the store that fits me...)

What's the last text in your inbox say?
no clue.

Are you wearing anything you borrowed from someone?
*thinks* Nope, it's all mine.

Do you have Justin Timberlake music on your iPod?
Actually I can honestly say no. Not for lack of liking some of his music, I just never bothered to download or purchase it.

What are you doing tonight?
Forcing myself to get my ass to the gym and then going home to relax and eat dinner.

Can you sleep in jeans?
I actually did yesterday when I took a nap. I can only do this if I'm exhausted, drunk, or in a very comfortable pair.

What's your favorite possession?
items from my mother, grandmother, father and other loved ones.

Something you just don't understand?
People that continue to go back to people that are completely wrong for them, and they know it.

Where were you on July 4th, 2007?
*thinks* I was on Daulphin Island, AL with Mike and his family.

Do you trust people easily?
Not at all.

Do you care what others think about you?
To an extent.

What do you look forward to in the next 3 months?
Summer, canoing, possible travel, visiting home.

Who was the last friend in your house?
Hmmm. I think it was Katie and her friend Mitchell.

Are you happy?
Yes. I have a few things keeping happiness from being completely full but I just need time to grieve.

Is there someone you want to confront?
Not that I'm aware of.

Do you wish at 11:11?
No, 8:08.

Next vacation you're goin on?
Hopefully home for a few days around July 4th.

Would you rather have a boyfriend/girlfriend or friend with benefits?
Boyfriend....

Do you prefer to call or text someone?
it's a toss up.

Last time you cried?
Yesterday.

Who knows the most about you?
Mike.

Where do you go when you want to be alone?
The bathroom or for a drive.

When was the last time you ate spaghetti?
hm... probably a week or so ago.

How many pair of flip flops do you own?
too many to bother counting.

Who was the last person to see you cry?
Angus... although he's not a person, per say.

Why were you crying?
Thinking about my mom.

Who's bed did you sleep in last night?
ours.

What time did you wake up?
5:45, but I went back to bed until 7... bad move, evil snooze alarm.

What was the first thing you did this morning?
took a shower.

What was the last thing you did last night?
read a magazine/watched family guy.

Where are you?
Work.

Who are you with?
Coworkers.

Did you kiss or hug anyone today?
Yes, Mike this morning.

Look at your cell phone, who is the forth missed call from?
no.

Who sent you the last text message?
no.

What about the third one down in your inbox?
OMG, nO!

Do you love anyone right now?
Yes, very much.

Do you have a crush on anybody?
yes.

Have you ever told anyone you loved them?
Yes.

Have you ever been truly loved back?
yes.

How old were you when you had your first kiss?
wow... I want to say middle school... I was nervous and fearful of boys.

How old were you when you lost your virginity?
15. I guess I wasn't that fearful huh?

Have you ever been caught doing something you shouldn't?
Yes.

Ever been beaten up?
hope.

Ever been to jail?
only to wait for a friend of a boyfriend to get out, after a fight at a bar.

Ever had a one night stand?
technically no. I knew the guy before things happened and we talked a bit after that it just never turned into anything.

Ever flashed anyone?
yes.

Ever thrown up in public?
public as in one other person around w/ me, then yes.

What about passed out because of alcohol?
fallen asleep due to being drunk - but not blacked out or passed out somewhere strange.

What's on your mind RIGHT NOW?
nothing really.

Wanna get married?
yes.

How many kids do you want?
start with one, go from there.. I'm thinking two may be nice, I missed out on having siblings.

How many wives/husbands do you want?
this is the greatest question ever! One, I'm not a Mormon.

Want sex?
sure.

Would you make a good mom/dad?
I hope so, I'd hate to screw a kid up.

Would you take a bullet for anyone?
yes.

Where would you like to live?
I like Alabama but I often dream of living back near Baltimore again.

What kind of house would you like?
I'm obsessed with the design of Frank Lloyd Wright so anything that's like his style makes my day.
But I do like traditional cottage like homes as well.

What do you want to be when you grow up?
Not sure.. .I'll tell you when I get there.

Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Hopefully settled down.

Wher do you see your self in 10 years?
see above... and hopefully well off.

Do you plan on telling your boss to shove it any time soon?
nope.

37. Look at your top friends... who is number one?
on myspace... Mike.

Why is he/she number one?
Because I love him.

Ever kissed anyone on your myspace friends list?
YES.

Ever seen any of them naked?
only a very, very small few.

Who was the last person to leave you a comment?
I don't remember.

Are you good friends with him/her?
Probably.


How often do you log in to myspace?
several times a day.

Do you get excited by new comments/picture comments?
sure.

How many pictures do you currently have on your pics page?
no clue.

Ever have sex with someone on your top 8?
yes.

How many top friends do you have?
40.

Who is the last person on your top friends
I think it's Kevin.

Would you ever date them?
He's awesome but no.

What's the last blog on your page about?
my mother's passing.

I don't even know where to start. Months ago my grandmother passed, and it was tough for me. I don't know if it was the distance or the fact that while I loved her my grandmother and I were never truly close. I only got to see her 2 or three times a year tops as a child, and once I was an adult it was more like once a year. I loved her dearly, there's not doubt about that. But her passing was something I was able to mourn, and not so much get back up and go... but let's say it was easier than this will be.  Everyone grieves in their own way - and for me, remembering the good times with my grandmother was easiest. I now own a lot of interesting things that tell me a bit about my history in my father's family. She was a very interesting woman, someone I wish I would have known better, but through her things I get a better idea. Needless to say I was worried that my emotion sensors were dead. I cried one night, and then I was done. I felt horrible for my father, because I can't imagine NOT having my parents in the picture.. but one night was all I cried. Maybe if I had gone to the funeral, I would have had more emotion. I lost it at my friend Malcolm's funeral a few years ago. I don't know I just felt like a robot w/ no emotion.

This week I realized that I'm not a robot and while I was beside myself with sadness part of me was smiling. Maybe it's a matter of how close you are to someone as how you will react. I have been crying for a few days now, and my emotions have been up and down. A man that I will always call Dad #2, is close to his last days. My best friend, Tammy's father is battling a serious bacteria infection, as well as cancer. The doctors have told him he had 10 days to live, if they could beat the bacteria he'd have a fighting chance and possibly 6 months with his cancer, to live. However his body was not responding to the treatment for the infection and her father is ready to pass. This is something I can't imagine dealing with - I've never honestly heard my friend Tammy cry... she has finally found out she too is not a robot. Together I think we've found our breaking points and it's for the men in our lives.  Her father was always a happy man, funny as hell and so fun to sit and chat with. We had a long standing running joke... he called all of us "BOOZY BROWN AND HER BOOZE CREW"... every week we'd go out drinking and having fun, and he'd tell us, remember you get ONE get out of jail free card... we never had to use it. This week while saying his good-byes to all Tam's friends (who thinks to do that, I guess he really did think of us as daughters)... Pearl, one of the three members (Me, Tam and Pearl were the crew)... Pearl said she'd need her get out of jail free card tonight... he laughed and told her she was too late.  I decided that when and if I get to chat with him, I'm going to tell him to talk to St. Peter and make sure we have Get Into Heaven Free cards, because the Booze Crew is going to need them!

My heart is aching for Tammy, Sean and her older brothers Ron and John. I can't imagine letting my father go. My heart also goes out to her mother... I've never seen a woman so full of love for her husband and so full of fight to deal with this, she married him and when she said forever... she meant it. This woman is amazing to me! She's the type of wife I hope I'll be when the day comes!!!! The whole family is so strong, and they all care for each other with all the battles they've been through it amazes me they continue to be a total unit. I can't help but think that's from their mom and their father's patience and love.

I can't imagine my father being gone. At age 31, deep down I'm still his little girl, I'd be completely frozen.

Needless to say I didn't fly home for my grandmother's funeral, and I still feel bad about missing that. She was my last living grandparent. Something in me is determined to be there for Tammy's father's funeral. He keeps telling her, today is the day... he's ready to go. Tammy hopes that it is, not just so she and her family can rest, but so that her father can do the same as well.  His pain is unbearable.

I hope that he's able to pass quietly. He's said most of his good-byes and they had the last family get together yesterday. He's ready and as much as his wife doesn't want to let him go, I think she's ready for him to be at peace she's told him, I'm doing all I can, now it's God's will.

I just had to write all this down because the emotion I'm feeling for the first time in a while made me realize it isn't that I don't love my grandmother... I think it's all related to your true rooted relationship with someone. I see this through Tammy's eyes... I put myself in her shoes... and her father even though I haven't seen him in probably three years... feels like my 2nd dad.

I wish him well, I wish him peace and I wish Tammy's family the strength they need to get through this.

Originally posted on kittycuriosity.vox.com

What won't you miss about 2007? 
Submitted by uncagedbird.

I tried to think of a few simple things that I wouldn't miss about 2007... but the first thing that came to mind and the main thing that came to mind was... George W. Bush as president. I'm so ready for a new opinion/vision of what needs to be happening, not only here in the United States but all over the world. Our power shapes the views of so many different countries. Be it allies or people against us. I'm so tired of the situation in Iraq - have we done accomplished anything that's going to be a staying positive at this point? Sure Sadam is gone, but who's going to replace him and will the situation be any better for us (selfish question) and or for them as a country (unselfish question).

It's hard for me to wax political - I don't have all the answers, I don't have all the information. I have a hard time committing to either side as well, I'm a complete Independent. There are things the Republicans believe in that I can honestly say... ok, I dig that.  As well as the Democratic party that I can honestly say... you know what, I agree. But at the same time... there are a lot of things that I have not a single clue about. I want to get more into politics, and it all starts with research I guess.

I remember 4 years ago - wow it's freaking been that long. I voted for the first time.. yes I was 27 and voting for the first time in my life... my dad was SO disappointed in my choice for president.  He's a Republican (a very liberal one but he's a die hard Republican), I don't have to tell you who I voted for... but I just rationalized that I might not know the correct answers in this presidency, and clearly George Bush is wondering at times as well, and maybe he did the best he could (doubtful)... but I made the choice I wanted to based on the fact that I wasn't pleased with all Bush had done in the past 4 years.

I don't regret my choice at all because I'm even more disappointed with Bush.

I look forward to the next person who takes office. I hope more good than harm will be accomplished. I guess it's time for me to register to vote in the state of Alabama so I don't miss out on this. Thankfully Mike and I can go together to handle this - I believe he's still registered in Tennessee.

Here's to 2008 - I need to start researching my choice for a president more closely...

Originally posted on kittycuriosity.vox.com

It's SO cliché to be saying this... New Year... New Me... I don't think I have much changing to do mentally, but I do need to work on my physical appearance. Like everyone else on earth today I'm vowing to work out more, eat better, drop a few sizes... not just for self esteem, but for my health. Heart disease, heart attack, high cholesterol, and many more FUN issues run in my family, including cancer. Every time I read something a key element in warding off these issues, is maintaining a healthy body weight... so it's time to do this.

I can't ignore the size 14 pants anymore, that were starting to get loose a few months ago, that have now started to feel snug (thanks holiday eats). And I can't ignore the double chin I see in the mirror (this too came back). I was doing extremely well with working out and eating better and charting my progress a few months ago, but once Mike and I moved into our new house, w/ money being tight... I started to slack and eat junk and not buy the best options for dinner. Thankfully I LOVE chicken... now if I could just battle my love of cheese.

The other main resolution I want to make is figuring out a better scale of time management. I am horrible at letting stuff slide - and not feeling I have enough time. Part of it may be I love to be in bed by 10:30 on week nights - so this leaves less time but I benefit from getting the sleep. I guess squeezing in the gym in the early AM would be the best bet... but wow... getting up at the crack of dawn is going to suck, however having the free time to do stuff at home, will help. I have to learn I'm not super woman, and that I can't do everything, I might need to add "learning to ask for help" on things.

I have control issues sometimes I think - with cleaning the house and stuff... I guess because I feel SO awesome when I clean the house and Mike compliments me on it and how great it looks. It makes me feel really good, but maybe it's time I let him do some so he can get that feeling as well ;) But the bathroom is all mine.. I'm so picky about bathroom cleaning... *freak*

I think I need to learn to express myself better in 2008. I'm awesome at saying when something bugs me (something I definitely don't want to do or want to do is easy) expressing fear/pain/being upset is harder. I hardly cried when my grandmother died. Well... I did cry... but it was really private - I need to open up to others better. I'm such a loving person but have an issue with feeling like I'm a burden on others when I break down.

This is a way deeper oriented blog then I anticipated so I'll stop now (look I'm already shuting down) haha!

Needless to say I'm very hopeful about 2008 - I want to get beach ready before the beach hits, and to be happy and healthy!

If anyone is on Sparkpeople.com (find me.. I need motivational help, you can find me at kitten569)

HAPPY NEW YEAR ALL! oxox

It's amazing how a seemingly normal day can be completely switched around by something. Death. It's a 5 letter word... a word that often brings a rush of emotions. Death hits everyone differently, for me, it makes me question my own self worth, my own well being and my own heart. My father called me today... my last living grandparent, my grandmother Esther was found dead today in her home.

We had been planning to take her to assisted living. She showed no signs of illness, or weakened heart in months past. It's difficult to imagine how or why she was found laying on her kitchen floor. My heart hopes that she went quickly and with little pain, my mind races, to figure out something to make the pain ease in my chest.

It's been over 2 years since I've last seen her. Moving across the country, not only keeps you from lots of things you want to do, but lots of things you should do. I would take back all the money I spent on worthless shit now, if it meant I could have afforded at least one plane ticket to see her.

We were never entirely close, but we had a bond. I always felt like the left out grandchild. I saw her about three times a year, and my cousins always lived close by. I was usually the outcast, not sure if it was due to the distance (Maryland to Pennsylvania) or the fact that my mother tended to harbor this idea that she hated to go there, for whatever reason. Once I was older, I was able to make my grandmother laugh, and giggle and smile. I'd make her say "Oh Mercy" at least 4 times in a conversation and make my father chuckle too. It's amazing what a divorce can do for relationships that always felt strained. I love my mother, but my relationship with my father and his side of the family grew after the split.

I really don't know that much about my grandmother. This is where the selfish thoughts come in. I think deep down for all the giving I do in life, I'm 100 times more selfish. I feel like moves so fast I never get to learn things about people, like I should. I'm still finding out wonderful things about my father. I've known the man for 30 years, and just the other day head a great story about him working at a funeral home, it made me laugh and long to know my father inside and out, but something in me just won't allow me to ask... to dig deeper.

My mother has always been guarded, maybe that's where I get it. She had a painful childhood, I didn't, but I learned how to be silent from her, maybe? I don't know enough about her either... I don't even know the exact time I was born. I feel like I really should start digging into my past more. And their pasts... not just my own. Again with the selfish.

I've heard of families that sit down and talk to each other... discuss old days and days of their youth. I never did that with my family. Always just lived in the moment. My mom will tell me stories all day about my youth. Funny stories... I don't remember any of these things.

My dad will tell me stories and beam. It's amazing that it took a divorce for me to realize how proud my father is of me, and just how MUCH he loves me.

I can't imagine losing them. I have a lot of forgiving to do with my mom. And a lot I need to get in touch with, but I'm not sure where to start. With her, with myself and with everything in general. Maybe this empty hole I sometimes feel, is my own doing when it comes to family... maybe it's just something I'm thinking is there. Either way. I feel distant.

It's sad that the people you love the most, seem to be strangers. I've lost touch a lot in my life, I really need to regain things. Make the hours that seem like not enough in a day, count for every moment.

I am going to miss my Grandmother, we weren't close but like I said we shared a bond. I know now, I'll never stay in that house again. That I'll never sweat to death in the winter and want to open all the windows and let the zero degree air in. I'll never sit in her rocking chair that's warm from her. I'll never stare at the image of 'The Last Supper' above her kitchen table, or walk on the squeaky floors. I'll never wonder how she lived in such an old house for so many years. I'll never hug her, kiss her good bye, or hear her say "Oh Mercy", ever again. And I'll never get to hand her a grand child, like my cousins did. I guess it's true what they say... you never realize what you have until it's gone.

Sorry for all the babbling but I had to get this out somewhere. I'm not one to cry in front of people, but I might just have to get over that... and stop being selfish.